Trigger Warning: This blog post addresses eating disorder habits. If you’re sensitive to discussions about eating disorders, it’s okay to step back if needed or seek support. Your well-being matters most.

December is here again, and so are the Christmas parties, family gatherings, and reunions. These celebrations wouldn’t be complete without the food we share during Noche Buena (Christmas Eve) and Media Noche (New Year’s Eve).

This year, though, I can’t help but remember the 15 years of my life when I used to dread these events because I was terrified of gaining weight. That fear made me feel like I needed to control everything I ate.

My Eating Disorder Background

I’ve shared this in another blog post about the full story of my eating disorder which you may read here, but I felt the need to share here again. My eating disorder started when I was 12. Three years ago, at 27, I gained weight, not because I chose recovery at the time, but because my lifestyle changed. I was no longer working on-site in an office and I shifted to remote work. My routine still included exercise, but with fewer daily physical exertions and less external stress, my body changed too.

It also dawned on me afterward that I had been restricting food intake for years. I had an eating disorder for so long, like half of my life, that it felt normal to always eat clean and control my food. I had a wonderful childhood and grew up in a supportive and loving household, but body comments as a kid left a lasting impact that fed my disordered eating habits. Mainstream media and social media added to it. Looking back, I never thought the thing I feared most, gaining weight after letting go of food restriction, would help me reclaim my life back.

What My 15-Year Eating Disorder Took From Me

My Physical Health

I used to believe that losing weight and having a thinner body automatically meant I was healthy. Looking back, I can see how flawed that belief was. As I’m constantly educating myself on health and proper nourishment through reliable sources and credible healthcare professionals on social media, I started connecting the dots. I realized I had signs of malnutrition that I kept ignoring, all because I thought I was eating clean. What I was really doing was depriving my body of the nourishment it needs.

I had dry and cracked corners of my mouth all the time. I used to think it was because I wasn’t washing my mouth properly after brushing my teeth, so I’d cover it up with moisturizer.

I also had mouth sores since high school, so frequently that I rarely went a month without one. I kept using this brown solution our high school doctor prescribed even when I was already working, but the root cause for years was vitamin deficiency.

On top of that, I often slept early because I routinely skipped dinner and felt tired and weak. I also got coughs, colds, and flu two or three times a year because my body wasn’t properly nourished and didn’t have enough energy to support my immune system and fight off bacteria and viruses.

On June 2018, this was the month that I drank a tumbler water with two lemons regularly, with the mindset that it would help me lose weight and detox my body. Instead, I started throwing up a yellowish substance, got to the hospital, had an endoscopy, and was diagnosed with bile gastritis. I learned that we don’t need to detox our bodies. That’s already the job of our liver and kidneys. So, when you see social media posts promising detox fixes, don’t believe it.

Your health isn’t defined by your body shape or your appearance. It’s the habits that you do consistently matter most.

Just because you’re losing weight on the scale doesn’t mean you’re automatically improving your health. We often sacrifice everything in our life just to reach that number on the scale because society taught us to equate thinness with our self-worth. If you’re thin, you’re praised. If you’re not, you’re judged. Your habits and your well-being matter far more than what people assume by just looking at you.

My Mental Health

I remember how my entire day during the 15 years of my eating disorder was consumed by thoughts of food on what I should and shouldn’t eat. If I ever ate foods that were labeled as bad, I felt the need to work out that night or do a 5-kilometer run the next morning just to burn off the calories. I would also convince myself that I’d gain a pound the next day, especially because I weighed myself every morning the moment I woke up.

During special occasions, people would praise me for eating a lot while still maintaining a thin body. Yet, they didn’t see the truth. I was living in a scarcity mindset. I ate because I believed I wouldn’t get to have that food again tomorrow. This is why I’ve learned to be careful with body comments. We should avoid body comments and learn to talk to people beyond their appearance.

This mindset didn’t just affect how I ate. It affected how I lived. My mental space was consumed by what I should and shouldn’t eat. I sometimes rejected invitations because I didn’t want to consume bad foods. I also carried the fear that people would only notice my body and comment on it because that was what I grew up hearing. Worst of all, I’d look in the mirror and feel dissatisfied with the small pooch in my belly.

Over those 15 years, my mental health slowly wore down. Sometimes, I couldn’t think properly in school. Now, though I’m in a larger body than before, but still within what society might call normal, I don’t want to ever return to the methods I did just to keep myself in a slim figure.

Growth Opportunities I Missed

Because of my eating disorder, I developed perfectionist tendencies. I felt the need to have the perfect physique, when in reality, all of us have flaws and unique features. I wanted to eat clean and avoid bad foods, so I wouldn’t gain weight or develop diseases I believed came from those ingredients.

Whenever I messed up my diet routine in the middle of the week, I was so hard on myself. I told myself I was undisciplined, when it was really my body telling me I needed more calories for energy.

That same perfectionism held me back in school and in my career. I turned down opportunities where I could have grown because I wanted everything to be perfect and risk-free. Real growth usually comes with discomfort, trial, and imperfection, and that’s where life starts to open up again.

What Weight Gain Gave Me Back

1. I Finally Made Peace With Food

I eat the food that I want now and don’t feel guilty about it. I’ve learned that food doesn’t have moral value. It isn’t good or bad. Some choices nourish me in one way, others nourish me in another, and I don’t need to earn or repay what I eat through punishment. Eating a slice of cake doesn’t make me irresponsible while eating a salad doesn’t make me superior. I felt that I broke from the chains when I gained weight. It gave me the ability to trust my body, enjoy food, and stop measuring my value by what was on my plate.

2. No More Skipping Meals Before Special Occasions

I don’t skip meals anymore just to earn food during parties, Noche Buena, or the Media Noche. I used to save my appetite and calories to feel allowed to eat later, but it only fed my anxiety and made food feel like a reward I had to deserve. Now, I eat regular meals throughout the day because celebrations shouldn’t require restriction. I can enjoy special meals without starving myself first.

3. I Don’t Anymore Earn Food Through Exercise

I no longer treat exercise like punishment. I don’t have to run kilometers or push through intense workouts just to burn off what I ate. During disordered eating years, exercise felt like a debt payment which something I had to do to make up for the food I ate. Now, I focus on workouts I enjoy. I’m not exercising to burn calories or lose weight. I’m doing it to get stronger, build muscle, increase my bone density, and improve my overall health.

4. It’s Okay If the Holidays Disrupt My Routine

I’ve also learned that it’s okay if my routine gets a little messy during the holiday season. There was a time when any disruption felt like failure. If my schedule changed, I felt like I was back to zero. Now, I’ve learned to make peace with flexibility. The holidays are not where my health disappears. My habits can return when the season passes and I don’t need to punish myself for stepping out of routine for a while.

5. I Focus on Adding, Not Subtracting

I learned this from my favorite nutritionist and dietitians, Kylie Sakaida and Jo Sebastian. I focus on balanced meals that nourish me which means I think in terms of adding rather than subtracting or restricting myself. Instead of obsessing over bad foods, I ask myself what I can include to have more protein, more fiber, more color, or more variety. This helps me eat in a way that feels supportive, not restrictive.

6. I Focus On Being Present and Making Memories With Family and Friends

Before, I was physically present in gatherings but mentally somewhere else like counting the calories, worrying about what I should do the next day to make up for the food I ate. At present, my mind isn’t consumed by food rules and body anxiety the way it used to be. I show up to gatherings with more ease and I strive to stay present.

In The End, What Matters Most Is Me

I’m doing this for my childhood self who needed the present me. I’m telling her that she doesn’t need to eat only pineapples all day to lose weight, skip dinner for the next 15 years, or punish herself with grueling runs and workouts just to burn off the calories she ate. She doesn’t need to shrink herself into a thin physique just to fit in.

This is for my future children too who who may grow up with the same noise I did. Certainly, they’ll face a harsh world that will try to label their bodies as flawed or point our their imperfections, but I want them to understand this early that those things don’t diminish them. They don’t need to conform to unrealistic beauty standards by punishing themselves or compromising their health.

Let Food Be Part of the Joy This Holiday Season

I’m leaving this here to offer a little comfort if food guilt is sitting with you today. I used to feel terrible for enjoying myself on Christmas Day and New Year. I thought I had to make up for it afterward by being hard on my body.

This month of December, if you feel bloated, please know that this is a normal bodily response to eating more food. It’s usually temporary water retention and not something you need to fix. Step away from any habits that make you feel worse instead of supported.

I won’t pretend those thoughts never visit me anymore, but they aren’t as loud anymore. Just because they show up doesn’t mean I have to listen to them.

I deserve more than a life ruled by guilt. It’s okay to eat for pleasure as well as nourishment. I’m thankful that I decided to befriend my body as it’s my forever home and sanctuary.