Photo by cottonbro studio

Last week was my birthday. The day came and went by, but the messages I expected from some of my closest friends never arrived.

I keep my birthday reminder off on social media and don’t anymore post about it because the world isn’t rotating around me.

I wasn’t waiting on gifts or grand gestures. At the same time, in any group chat, I’m usually the one who starts the birthday greetings and the one who puts the birthdays of people in a calendar or most of the time, remembers people’s birthdays without needing the calendar to tell me.

At first, it was fine. No worries, I told myself. I shouldn’t expect people I’ve been friends with for more than a decade to remember a date on a calendar. Life gets busy and people often forget.

Yet, the day ended and a few more days passed. The friends who’ve been in my corner the longest, still hadn’t said a thing.

I have to admit. It somewhat hurt. Yes, forgetting is part of being human, but I also know I’m allowed to feel what I felt. Pretending otherwise wasn’t doing me any favors.

If this also happened to you, here’s what’s been helping me sit with it without letting it sour anything I care about.

What’s helping me sit with it

1. Acknowledge what you’re feeling

Don’t talk yourself out of the hurt before it’s finished forming. Naming it is not the same as dwelling in it.

2. Give them the benefit of the doubt

No one woke up that morning and decided not to greet you. Forgetting is not the same as not caring, even when the two feel identical from the receiving end.

3. Consider what else might be going on

People are carrying things and going through events you can’t see from the outside. Long-term friends who are living their lives forget because of these things.

4. Manage your expectations

For some people, birthdays are a real event. For others, it’s a quiet square on the calendar that passes without ceremony. As I said earlier, the world isn’t rotating around you.

6. Lead by example

Keep being the friend who remembers. Remembering people is a value you hold. It’s not a transaction you run. Yet, if your friendships aren’t really that strong anymore, you don’t have to the force the relationship.

If it happens again

You don’t have to guilt anyone into remembering you. However, you do have to stop hiding the parts of you that want to be remembered. Being assertive isn’t about asking for more, but it’s about allowing yourself to take up the emotional space you’ve earned.

You deserve to be celebrated not just for what you do for others, but for who you are.

If next year you do express it and they still forget or they get defensive, that’s your information. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, but it simply shows who’s capable of showing up without reminders. Then, you can either accept that level of effort or choose to make room for people who will celebrate you without being told to.

Lastly, you don’t need a big party to feel seen. You just need people who see you and if this just happened to you, happy birthday (even if it’s belated). You deserve to be celebrated!