This week, I went through my laptop folders and found photos of myself during my early and mid-twenties. I can’t help but compare the body I used to have. A body with a smaller waist, slender legs, protruding collar bones, thin arms, sharper jawline, and a slim face.

A series of travel images taken during a period of my disordered eating phase. While the images appear polished, they reflect a time when trips were planned around having a body that’s photo and outfit-ready.

This was the version I once treated as a finish line for the past 15 years of my life. I used to think that I would be much happier and fulfilled once I fit into the thin ideal.

As someone who used to have disordered eating habits for 15 years which started when I was 12 years old, I’m still in the process of grieving my old body since I’ve considered it as an identity for a long time.

With this, I’m sharing this honest experience of missing my body and how I stopped waiting on a number on the scale and tape measure to feel worthy.

If you’re missing the body you used to have, I see you. Read on to know the values-first approach I did so you can let go of the thin ideal.

What The Thin Ideal Means

The thin ideal describes having a feminine physique characterized by slenderness and low body fat, which is a leading beauty standard endorsed by women in Western and urbanized nations. Today, women are even more pressured to conform to the thin ideal as a result of social media. One study showed that women who are constantly using social media have more awareness of their physique and feel more pressured to be thin, which makes them more vulnerable to body dissatisfaction.

I can relate to this as someone who used to be on social media all the time. I would curate a photo of myself that looks flattering before I post it on social media. Also, with the pictures I se on my feed, I became more dissatisfied with my already thin body since I compare myself with the figures I saw on social media. In reality, I’ve been comparing myself to unrealistic pictures that are edited and photoshopped.

A collection of images from my disordered-eating years. I appear disciplined and composed in fun run bibs, tailored OOTDs, and practiced stage presence, but they document a time when performance mattered more than presence.

Why It Feels Like Grief

I used to run kilometers to burn the calories, skip dinners even though I’d get hunger headaches, and restrict eating certain foods just to maintain my slender figure. When I started gaining weight by the end of 2022, I donated the clothes I no longer fit. I was sad knowing that I’m no longer a small size as I used to be. I was disappointment with myself as I’ve been receiving body comments from others saying that I’m much larger now.

For the last 3 years, I’ve come a long way in terms of my recovery from my disordered eating habits, but this path hasn’t always been easy. My current body is not my ideal body, but I learned to accept and appreciate what it does to me. When I came into terms that I can no longer go back to my thin body, it felt like losing a part of my identity I held for a majority of my life. I placed so much value on being in a small size.

Decluttering My Beliefs and Gentle Ways That Helped Me

I realized that the problem isn’t my body. It’s what the societal standards has imposed on us. Throughout centuries, the beauty standards have been evolving. Our bodies are not a trend and deserves to be treated with utmost care and respect by providing it with nourishment, rest, and movement.

So, whenever an emotion arises that triggers me to go back to my disordered eating habits, here are the things I remind myself:

1. I remind myself of the times that dieting has harmed my health.
2. It was a body that’s hard to maintain. Hence, it’s not my ideal body.
3. Instead of getting upset with myself for not being able to lose weight, I question these beauty standards if it’s healthy and sustainable in the long-run.
4. I follow body positive role models on social media who inspire me to be on my best self. I recommend following Bree Lenehan and Jo Sebastian.
5. I find and wear clothes that fit me and make me feel confident. Clothes are meant to fit our bodies and it shouldn’t be the other way around.
6. This is the only body I’ll have in my lifetime. I appreciate what it does for me everyday, so I can experience what life has to offer me.
7. Having a mindset that my body is not the main focal point of my life. Yes, I need to take care of it, but body size doesn’t equate with my worth and value.
8. Our bodies change throughout our lives and we aren’t meant to be stuck in one size throughout a lifetime. We go through different seasons in our life and so our bodies.

Break Free From Unrealistic Standards

Now, those old photos of me serve as memories of who I was. They’re a part of a certain season of my life. As I’m grieving my old body, I told myself that I haven’t given up, but rather, I’ve grown up.

I’m choosing a life that fits the current season I’m in. I’m choosing clothes that honor my present body, a movement that strengthens it, a social media feed that reflects a realistic lifestyle, and goals that honor my values over my measurements.

The longing to go back to the thin ideal still knocks sometimes, but it no longer gets a spare key. I can remember my old body without making it my destination.