As Miss Universe 2015 Pia Wurtzbach said, we Filipinos give importance to the three letter B’s. These are basketball, boxing, and beauty pageants.

Beauty pageants have been a a part of our culture since the Spaniards have colonized the country. Growing up, I remembered as a kid where my family members would let me recite an introduction of myself, similar to how beauty pageant contestants introduce themselves during the show.

I’ve watched local and international beauty pageants in the television, at school involving Miss Intramurals or being a representative of a block/section, during barangay fiestas where a Mutya contest is being held, and by far in my professional life, I experienced being a contestant during a regional sportsfest at the company I was working. This led me to my dream of eventually becoming a beauty pageant titleholder and be looked up as a role model beauty queen.

Modeling and Eating Disorder

This all started when I began watching Tyra Bank’s America’s Next Top Model or ANTM in high school. I’ve watched Seasons 1-16 and I’ve been fascinated on each contestant’s transformation from being a girl next door to becoming a high-fashion model.

The said transformation became relatable to me as I was an overweight kid and eventually became conscious of my physique which led me to my disordered eating habits and a negative body image. Indeed, I have attained my goal of having a slender body and eventually made me more confident to be a fashion model.

Through time, a lot of people commented that I am qualified to join a beauty pageant because of my height and physique. At first, I never considered it because I was afraid to speak in front of a crowd whereas in modeling, one only poses for the photoshoot and struts during fashion shows. Yet, little by little, I worked through that aspect and became mindful of how I act and dress-up, so that I would please other people.

Joining Beauty Pageants In Small Events

By the time I went to college, I’ve always had long hair as I was always preparing myself to become a beauty queen. Also, my eating disorder got worse. I continued exercising almost everyday and began to track my food intake and not having dinner. I wanted to eat bread, fried foods, and desserts but I was determined to discipline myself. I made my slender body a motivation to avoid those foods. I was afraid to have a bloated stomach and worse, gain weight. As a result, I was able to maintain my slender figure.

In my 3rd year in college, I became our block’s representative for a beauty pageant which was held during the annual general assembly of Finance majors. Prior to that, I prepared a lot for the talent and question-and-answer portion. Luckily, I landed 2nd runner up.

TOP Photo: During the general assembly for Finance majors, I was Miss XU-JFINEX 2014 2nd Runner Up | BOTTOM Photo: During the general assembly for MBA students, I was Miss MBA 2019.

A Glimpse of the Beauty Queen Experience

Similarly, I began watching Binibining Pilipinas since 2011. I am always updated on every event and eyeing every contestant. I can’t help but compare myself to these gorgeous ladies with there svelte figure in swimsuits which made me insecure as I cannot achieve their physique despite that I kept on dieting and exercising. I was always dissatisfied with my body. This dream grew even more when the Philippines bagged the Miss Universe crown in 2015. After I graduated in college, it was then my dream to join our city’s beauty pageant by the time I would eventually earn money from my work.

After a year of working in a bank, in the summer of 2017, my classmate in college who was the current title holder of Miss Cagayan de Oro, messaged me on social media and encouraged me to follow her footsteps. She endorsed me to her handler and mentor.

I went to her mentor’s training place and there, I experienced the excruciating training where I had to sit straight when I converse in a panel interview, to smile widely, to engage in warm-up exercises to achieve the beauty queen walk, and to do the infamous duck walk several times while wearing a 7-inch heels and two-piece swimsuit.

Afterwards, I practiced my walk many times while the handler was watching me from head to toe. Then, he commented that I need to lose weight and firm my belly as it was jiggling during the walk. My beauty queen friend then told me about her exercise routine and diet on how she achieved her toned physique.

I listened yet in my mind, I felt that this would be an overwhelming journey in terms of my physical and mental health as I was working full-time and serving our church at the same time. After that, it came to my senses that I was not ready for that year. I was thinking of the expenses that I would incur and the efforts I would make during the preparation.

Moreover, I went to becoming the representative of our cluster during my employer’s regional sportsfest. I didn’t win as the eventual crowned winner was someone who have worn sexier outfits, which was not my persona. Also, the judges are all male executives of the bank, so you could already conclude of the results. At first, I was saddened as I’ve prepared physically for that pageant by consistently going to the gym. I’ve only prepared physically since the said pageant doesn’t have a question-and-answer portion. Yet, that loss didn’t stop me from pursuing my dream.

Me as Candidate #4. I represented the Cagayan de Oro Lending Center in Miss UCPB Mindanao 2017.

What Modeling Workshops Taught Me

By next year, I was already 23 and I joined a modeling workshop organized by a known female photographer here in our city. I was very excited and was willing to withdraw a portion of my savings as the workshop is quite expensive. The workshop covers personality development, tips for effective modeling, hair and make-up tutorial, professional photography, and a culminating grand fashion show at a well-known mall in the city.

Our speakers where local models in the city, a well-known international make-up artist, and famous photographers. Throughout the journey, I’ve met students, young adults of my age, and some who are even older than me. I eventually made friendships with them and we still contact each other even until now. After the 1 month workshop, I was happy seeing my photos and posting these on social media. I somehow felt a sense of fulfillment since a lot of my friends commented on how beautiful I was in photos. They encouraged me to join Miss Cagayan de Oro.

However, through time, I realized and asked the question, “What’s the purpose with all of these when everything is just temporary? When will I stop achieving more and will I eventually be happy if I already have the crown?” During the workshop, I remembered the feeling that I am not in my own self as I was conforming with what the photographers are saying, listening to fashion models with their diets and exercise routines in order to achieve a skinny figure, and wearing clothes that are not my style and taste.

I also looked back during our rehearsals prior the grand fashion show where we went home at 2 in the morning and the organizers where telling us that in real fashion shows, organizers would reprimand and yell at models who are not disciplined. They say, as a fashion model, one must not complain even if you are already exhausted.

In the same way with my dream of becoming a beauty queen, I’ve heard stories and news where beauty queens where sexually harassed by organizers and photographers. Yet, there are only a few complaints as I believed that they are forced to keep their mouth shut or else they will be criticized by the related entities, media, and the public.

Similarly, I also don’t like the fact when photographers would post almost nude photos of women joining beauty pageants. From stories I’ve also heard, a few of the contestants would engage in sexual favors in exchange of having the title and fame.

Photos of myself during the modeling workshop I attended

Video highlights as a participant of the modeling workshop

Realizations

Fast forward, the pandemic in 2020 came and most public events came to a halt. I turned 25 during that year and I reflected on the things that I value most in life. Several events and people came to my life and made me realize that joining beauty pageants, more so becoming a beauty queen, is not what I truly want to do in my life.

I grew up living a harmonious life with my family and enjoyed nature at the comfort of our own home as I was surrounded by the bounties of Mother Nature. Expressing myself through writing was my favorite thing to do which led to me creating this blog. Being a Roman Catholic, I honor my body as it is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I believe it should be protected because of its sacredness. I value my physical health by engaging with physical activities I enjoy without pushing my body hard. I can eat any food that I want without feeling guilty and nourishing my body with balanced meals, as well. I feel at peace with only having the things in my life that are essentially what I need and not conforming to the consumerist society we have at present. I am truly happy spending my time with family, friends, and my fiancé.

Be The Captain of Your Soul

2 years after and now that I am 27, the dream of becoming a beauty queen has outgrown me. Maybe my prefrontal cortex has already developed. Yet, I’m happy that I once dreamed in fulfilling that path and experienced a portion of that journey as it redirected me to what I truly want in my life.

Now, my definition of success is to live my life in my own terms without other people dictating on me. Surely, we have families and friends who would offer an advise on our decisions in life. However, there comes a time when we need to set the boundaries between listening to them and pursuing the dream life we want even if it is not aligned with the standards of society.

Now, I no longer aim for a higher position at the corporate world or the government, an additional title before or after my name, nor a crown in any beauty pageant. Our life is only a temporary journey and we are meant for a far greater place ahead of us. So, create your dream life and be the writer of your own story.

My dream is to live a peaceful life with my family and friends, enjoy the little moments of our daily lives, wake up each day with inspiration to live life at its fullest, be the captain of my soul, and witness the wonders of this world.